Okay, per Uruk's request I'll tell about my date last weekend. For the purpose of writing about her in my blogs I will call my date "Aye".
I ran across Aye's online dating profile on Match.com about a week ago. It was short but I was very interested after reading it so I sent her a message, she replied, we talked on the phone, and then we agreed to meet this weekend for coffee. I didn't know it when I sent her the initial message but we actually went to high school together for a year, went to the same college, and I even worked at her current place of employment for a while. All that helped give us stuff to talk about that we had in common to get through that usually uncomfortable time when you first meet someone from online. Coffee went well so we went to Applebees and split and appetizers and had a few beers. Aye had told me on the phone that she doesn't like to talk a lot. Although I typically don't like to talk a lot in offline life I made an effort to on the date. At Applebees it was almost like "Story Time with Zee." When I went to Thailand I went with my friend who was from there and I came back with his little brother who went to school here for two years. Aye was friends with his little brother in high school so she was very intersted in Thailand stories. We wanted to go bowling but none of the lanes close had any open bowling so instead we went to a movie. We saw, "Fan Boys" which is about Star Wars fans breaking in to the Lucas Ranch. Neither of us are really into Star Wars but it was funny. During the movie I looked at her hand a few times and thought about holding it but didn't have the balls. One more example that the thought really does not count. The move was done around midnight and we walked to a bar and had a few more drinks and talked till about closing time. Somewhere between the bar and dropping her off at her house I was able to locate my balls so I did kiss Aye. All and all I think we both enjoyed the date because we decided to spend all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday together as well. So after three dates I'm still online bloggin' Uruk. We both have our kids next weekend so we are going to try to get together again on Thursday.
My marriage ended just over three years ago. In that three years I've been in a few relationships that lasted around three months. I've had a lot of first dates where I had absolutely no desire at all to pursue a second date. I've proposed marriage to strangers on the other side of the country via the internet. I made more of a connection with Aye in three days then I have with anyone else in the last three years by far.
Showing posts with label Fail Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fail Dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Looking for a Codependent
I recently made the observation that there are many normal, single, 30ish men available in this world, but very few normal, single, 30ish women. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of single women that are 30ish but its the NORMAL part that is rare. Does that mean there are more normal men in the world than normal women? I don’t think so. I think it means there are lots of normal women who married fucked up men. And I imagine that is because those fucked up men reminded those women of their fathers, but that’s another story.
So it seems logical to me that what I need to do is be fucked up. Very fucked up. Bat shit crazy fucked up. What I really want is my own codependent.
Consider a drug addict and what is most stunning is not that addicts can heat up a Vicodin in a spoon and then inject it straight into a vein without burning themselves, but that they have people who will do ANYTHING to help them. People who will give them cash, drive them to their dealer’s house, sob their eyes out when the addict screams at them, trashes their house, prostitutes themselves, and steals shit. People who are willing to stick around for YEARS while this other person self destructs and sucks dry every person near them.
I can understand what it feels like to be those enabling codependents. In life, that has definitely been the direction I have leaned. But I've realized something: I don’t want to be an enabler. I want to be the enable-ee! I want to be the addict! Other than the addiction, their lives are AWESOME!
So here you go, your opportunity to give and give and give and have your life mean something!
I plan to develop an addiction to pain pills, preferably Vicodin because it’s so easy to get, and you get to be my codependent! I imagine it will take 6 months to a year before I need to start stealing stuff to buy them, so you’ll get lots of drug-soaked sex in that time, and that will cement our bond.
After I lose my job I’ll really hit that next step up of having to numb my pain over the loss of my hopes and dreams. This is where you will have to move in with me to really take care of my day to day needs and pay all the bills.
I’ll double the amount of Vicodin I need and probably have to start giving blow jobs to my dealer. To keep me from degrading myself you’ll give me cash, telling yourself that at least you can make sure I don’t get some horrible disease. Whenever you try to withhold the money to get me to sober up (you don’t REALLY want me to do this because deep down you know it would ruin our relationship, but you feel noble when you try to demand it) I will threaten to kill myself or I’ll stomp out of the house and down to 1st Ave and pretend I am trying to turn a trick. You’ll drive up in your car and lower the passenger window, driving 2 mph beside me while I pretend I am trying to walk away from you. You’ll be begging me to forgive you and “just get in the damned car.” After 5 minutes of this awesome drama you’ll “talk” me back into the car, and while I sob into your arms, you’ll agree to drive me to my dealer’s and score some more Vicodin. Which you will pay for so I won’t blow him. Secretly I am already blowing with him because I am using WAY more Vicodin than you know! We’ll repeat this scene weekly.
Soon I will graduate from the “vanilla” world of pill-popping and on to shooting up. I’m great with needles and veins so this will be a dream come true! After watching me ruin all the spoons in the house with my lighter, and finding me on the floor passed out with a needle sticking out of my arm you’ll find out what love really means!
Every day when you are at work I will send you hundreds of text messages and voice mails about how miserable I am and how I couldn’t live without you (and Vicodin). You will cry when you get these because you know I am a good person and I am hurting so much (I’ll have told you all about how my father was emotionally absent and I was teased mercilessly in middle school), and that I just need to be loved and then I will get better. While you know you are a loser to put up with me, you really love being needed like this. And who could possibly need you more than your previously handsome, competent, intelligent, now totally fucked up addict boyfriend?
I see this as a win-win situation. You will get to recreate your relationship with your father and feel needed. I will finally get to date a woman who is normal, caring, and loving (and if you’re not I’ll just take another Vicodin).
So it seems logical to me that what I need to do is be fucked up. Very fucked up. Bat shit crazy fucked up. What I really want is my own codependent.
Consider a drug addict and what is most stunning is not that addicts can heat up a Vicodin in a spoon and then inject it straight into a vein without burning themselves, but that they have people who will do ANYTHING to help them. People who will give them cash, drive them to their dealer’s house, sob their eyes out when the addict screams at them, trashes their house, prostitutes themselves, and steals shit. People who are willing to stick around for YEARS while this other person self destructs and sucks dry every person near them.
I can understand what it feels like to be those enabling codependents. In life, that has definitely been the direction I have leaned. But I've realized something: I don’t want to be an enabler. I want to be the enable-ee! I want to be the addict! Other than the addiction, their lives are AWESOME!
So here you go, your opportunity to give and give and give and have your life mean something!
I plan to develop an addiction to pain pills, preferably Vicodin because it’s so easy to get, and you get to be my codependent! I imagine it will take 6 months to a year before I need to start stealing stuff to buy them, so you’ll get lots of drug-soaked sex in that time, and that will cement our bond.
After I lose my job I’ll really hit that next step up of having to numb my pain over the loss of my hopes and dreams. This is where you will have to move in with me to really take care of my day to day needs and pay all the bills.
I’ll double the amount of Vicodin I need and probably have to start giving blow jobs to my dealer. To keep me from degrading myself you’ll give me cash, telling yourself that at least you can make sure I don’t get some horrible disease. Whenever you try to withhold the money to get me to sober up (you don’t REALLY want me to do this because deep down you know it would ruin our relationship, but you feel noble when you try to demand it) I will threaten to kill myself or I’ll stomp out of the house and down to 1st Ave and pretend I am trying to turn a trick. You’ll drive up in your car and lower the passenger window, driving 2 mph beside me while I pretend I am trying to walk away from you. You’ll be begging me to forgive you and “just get in the damned car.” After 5 minutes of this awesome drama you’ll “talk” me back into the car, and while I sob into your arms, you’ll agree to drive me to my dealer’s and score some more Vicodin. Which you will pay for so I won’t blow him. Secretly I am already blowing with him because I am using WAY more Vicodin than you know! We’ll repeat this scene weekly.
Soon I will graduate from the “vanilla” world of pill-popping and on to shooting up. I’m great with needles and veins so this will be a dream come true! After watching me ruin all the spoons in the house with my lighter, and finding me on the floor passed out with a needle sticking out of my arm you’ll find out what love really means!
Every day when you are at work I will send you hundreds of text messages and voice mails about how miserable I am and how I couldn’t live without you (and Vicodin). You will cry when you get these because you know I am a good person and I am hurting so much (I’ll have told you all about how my father was emotionally absent and I was teased mercilessly in middle school), and that I just need to be loved and then I will get better. While you know you are a loser to put up with me, you really love being needed like this. And who could possibly need you more than your previously handsome, competent, intelligent, now totally fucked up addict boyfriend?
I see this as a win-win situation. You will get to recreate your relationship with your father and feel needed. I will finally get to date a woman who is normal, caring, and loving (and if you’re not I’ll just take another Vicodin).
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Story Time with Zee 3/10/09 - Date with a Crack Whore
I have used a number of online dating sites with varied success. The one that I have used for the longest is www.plentyoffish.com because it is free. The problem with plentyoffish (POF) is that there are a lot of uneducated and unintelligent women there. It had occurred to me that what I liked best about the site, being free, may be resulting in the less then desirable population that is there. A friend of mine suggested Match.com and so I checked it out. In general the women on Match.com were appeared a lot more educated so I signed up and started contacting women. After a month or so I had absolutely no responses. Then one Sunday I had a woman contact me so I was excited. She didn't have a picture which means at least one of a few things. She is insecure, she is ugly, or wants a guy who is primarily attracted to her mind not her body. We sent a few messages back and forth then she asked if I wanted to meet her at a local bar that night and I agreed to meet her.
Nine times out of ten a women who doesn't post a picture is not very attractive looking so I was happy to see that she was pretty. We talked for a while and were making some connections and we started talking about tattoos. She had a number of tattoos which I find attractive. She had a tribal band on her arm around the number 28 and I asked the significance of the number 28. She explained that it was her high school boyfriend's football number. I responded with, "At least its not his name." It was at that point that she pulled her hair to the side revealing "Steve" tattooed on her neck. Awkward. I wish this was the most disturbing point in the date.
We continued to talk and she said that she wanted to be completely honest with me. I'm all about honesty and I told her that I would appreciate that. She told me that she has used drugs in the past but she stopped using. I told her that wasn't a big deal to me and that I've used drugs in the past as well. She asked about the last time that I used and I told her how it was about ten years ago and explained to her why I quit. I asked her when the last time she used was and her response, "I smoked a little crack this morning." Awkward. I really wanted to tell her that she has to stop using for at least 24 hours before she can claim she quit.
I had just paid for another round of beers before she told me about her current crack addiction even though she claimed she quit. Granted it was dollar beer night but I paid for my beer and I was going to finish it before I left. When I finished my beer I was ready to give the, "It was nice to meet you. Don't call me. Good luck with life." talk but she asked me a question before I could give the talk. "Zee, will you take me to buy some crack." Ahh.... no. "Okay, I understand. Can you spot me $20 and I'll get it and meet you back here." Ahh... no. "Its kewl Zee I understand. Will you wait here for me while I go walk the streets till I can make $20 to buy crack?" Ahh... Fuck no. Good luck prostituting yourself tonight. Buh-bye. Awkward. Thinking back, at least she didn't ask me to pay to have sex with her... that was some what respectful of her.
Nine times out of ten a women who doesn't post a picture is not very attractive looking so I was happy to see that she was pretty. We talked for a while and were making some connections and we started talking about tattoos. She had a number of tattoos which I find attractive. She had a tribal band on her arm around the number 28 and I asked the significance of the number 28. She explained that it was her high school boyfriend's football number. I responded with, "At least its not his name." It was at that point that she pulled her hair to the side revealing "Steve" tattooed on her neck. Awkward. I wish this was the most disturbing point in the date.
We continued to talk and she said that she wanted to be completely honest with me. I'm all about honesty and I told her that I would appreciate that. She told me that she has used drugs in the past but she stopped using. I told her that wasn't a big deal to me and that I've used drugs in the past as well. She asked about the last time that I used and I told her how it was about ten years ago and explained to her why I quit. I asked her when the last time she used was and her response, "I smoked a little crack this morning." Awkward. I really wanted to tell her that she has to stop using for at least 24 hours before she can claim she quit.
I had just paid for another round of beers before she told me about her current crack addiction even though she claimed she quit. Granted it was dollar beer night but I paid for my beer and I was going to finish it before I left. When I finished my beer I was ready to give the, "It was nice to meet you. Don't call me. Good luck with life." talk but she asked me a question before I could give the talk. "Zee, will you take me to buy some crack." Ahh.... no. "Okay, I understand. Can you spot me $20 and I'll get it and meet you back here." Ahh... no. "Its kewl Zee I understand. Will you wait here for me while I go walk the streets till I can make $20 to buy crack?" Ahh... Fuck no. Good luck prostituting yourself tonight. Buh-bye. Awkward. Thinking back, at least she didn't ask me to pay to have sex with her... that was some what respectful of her.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Why you should hook your friend up with Zee
Hey, I know the reasons not to hook up your friend with Zee but this is why you should. I am a very good geek with a great heart who treats people good and treats a woman even better. I'm looking for a real relationship. I offer honesty, intellectually stimulating conversation, some good laughs, and a bit of adventure. As an added bonus I have a good job, a car, and I don't do drugs! Do you think your friend is up for it?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Online Fail Dating 03/03/09
Well, I haven't seen much new on the blogs I follow so I'm going to have to kill some time by writing another blog.
My modified online dating profile was successful and increased the number of responses. A woman that I originally started talking to on a different dating site, ChristianMingle.com, found my profile on the site I primarily use now which is PlentyOfFish.com. We started talking again and we are going to go out soon so I changed my headline to read, "Not Currently Looking." I have no desire to date more than one woman at once. I've been down that road and its confusing and not fair to anyone involved even if they say they are okay with it. Despite the headline I still get messages and this is an example of one of them which is fairly common.
Subject: "your awesome"
My awesome what? The subject alone I consider a fail.
Message: "hi there my name is jennifer. I am so impressed with your profile. i haved lived in Muskegon all my life and this town is hard to find a good thing in anymore. Good Luck in your search but i would love to chat with you sometime. im me at XXXXXXX. your sense of humor is good thing dont let anyone tell you differently. sorry i dont have a picture of my penis to send you. LOL"
I give her bonus points for her attempt at humor by referencing my joke in my profile about not responding to messages from women that include pictures of their penis. She really didn't expand on my joke at all but referencing it shows she actually read my profile. Granted there are a lot of online dating profiles that are full of grammical errors or TyPinG LikE tHIs but I took the time to use proper grammar and capitolization and such in writing my profile. I listed in my profile that I am looking for someone that is intelligent and intellectually stimulating. How much more time would it have taken for her to reread her message to me and at least try to write properly? Fail number two.
Out of curiousity I checked out her dating profile. It turns out that her daughter is much closer to my age then she is. I find shared life experiences are more important then age but I don't have any mommy issues either. Fail number three which adds up to an epic fail.
Am I picky when it comes to women? Extremely. Too picky? Perhaps, but I know what I want and what I don't want and I am happy being single. The girl that I'm currently interested in who I'm going out with soon does not live in the United States and I don't think I'll be able to make travel arrangements by this weekend so I probably won't be able to go for two weeks.
I post this blog with the assumption that the woman who wrote me this message will never read it. If you are the author of the message and read this please know that its not my intention to insult you and I hope you can perhaps find some constructive critism in it. That said, to anyone else I ask, is it inappropriate for me to post such a blog?
My modified online dating profile was successful and increased the number of responses. A woman that I originally started talking to on a different dating site, ChristianMingle.com, found my profile on the site I primarily use now which is PlentyOfFish.com. We started talking again and we are going to go out soon so I changed my headline to read, "Not Currently Looking." I have no desire to date more than one woman at once. I've been down that road and its confusing and not fair to anyone involved even if they say they are okay with it. Despite the headline I still get messages and this is an example of one of them which is fairly common.
Subject: "your awesome"
My awesome what? The subject alone I consider a fail.
Message: "hi there my name is jennifer. I am so impressed with your profile. i haved lived in Muskegon all my life and this town is hard to find a good thing in anymore. Good Luck in your search but i would love to chat with you sometime. im me at XXXXXXX. your sense of humor is good thing dont let anyone tell you differently. sorry i dont have a picture of my penis to send you. LOL"
I give her bonus points for her attempt at humor by referencing my joke in my profile about not responding to messages from women that include pictures of their penis. She really didn't expand on my joke at all but referencing it shows she actually read my profile. Granted there are a lot of online dating profiles that are full of grammical errors or TyPinG LikE tHIs but I took the time to use proper grammar and capitolization and such in writing my profile. I listed in my profile that I am looking for someone that is intelligent and intellectually stimulating. How much more time would it have taken for her to reread her message to me and at least try to write properly? Fail number two.
Out of curiousity I checked out her dating profile. It turns out that her daughter is much closer to my age then she is. I find shared life experiences are more important then age but I don't have any mommy issues either. Fail number three which adds up to an epic fail.
Am I picky when it comes to women? Extremely. Too picky? Perhaps, but I know what I want and what I don't want and I am happy being single. The girl that I'm currently interested in who I'm going out with soon does not live in the United States and I don't think I'll be able to make travel arrangements by this weekend so I probably won't be able to go for two weeks.
I post this blog with the assumption that the woman who wrote me this message will never read it. If you are the author of the message and read this please know that its not my intention to insult you and I hope you can perhaps find some constructive critism in it. That said, to anyone else I ask, is it inappropriate for me to post such a blog?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Help, I need a translation...
I don't understand women. This was part of a response that I got on one of the online dating sites.
"Since I don't have a pic on here right now I can just kinda explain... I have very short, black (dyed) hair and blue eyes. I think my hair suits me well even though it sounds a little gothic, lol. I do have a few extra pounds but I love the way I look and I feel like confidence means more than the extra pounds. I dress myself accordingly so I have to say that I'm not a walking invitation, lol."
What does that tell YOU?
"Since I don't have a pic on here right now I can just kinda explain... I have very short, black (dyed) hair and blue eyes. I think my hair suits me well even though it sounds a little gothic, lol. I do have a few extra pounds but I love the way I look and I feel like confidence means more than the extra pounds. I dress myself accordingly so I have to say that I'm not a walking invitation, lol."
What does that tell YOU?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Zee's Dating Profile
After reading profile after profile on online dating sites about individuals seeking to find a relationship offering meaning, contentment, or an opportunity to be spanked by a dominant transgender nun, I have decided that all I really want right now is a pretend relationship.
The benefits of a pretend relationship lie in being able to communicate (via email only) with another individual about things that are not actually occurring in one's life. It's the incredible chance to be completely dishonest with another individual who wants nothing more than a beautiful pretend connection with another soul. We don't need to share photos, real names, or accurate personal data. I will never ask you to call me, meet me, or send me your bank account routing number to help a deposed Nigerian dictator who will pay you back in millions. I just want to have a deep, intense relationship that has no actual roots in reality.
To be my pretend girlfriend, you must be exceedingly intelligent, articulate, and edgy. Your sense of humor must be phenomenal. I would never pretend date someone who was not incredibly funny. You should be quite beautiful with striking features though I will never really know if it's true. It's essential that your mastery of English includes proper spelling. I will pretend break-up with you in a heartbeat if you make lots of typos. That's a major turn off...
I am (in truth, just this once) a really bright, very good looking engineer, who is probably running a bit hypomanic in recent weeks. I am coming off of a very painful pretend-break up, so I might be pretend rebounding right now.
Potential pretend girlfriends please note: I will not respond to any replies that include photos of your penis. (I don't expect any but it seems like that's what everyone writes at the end of their online dating profiles.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: This is not my actual dating profile but I've been thinking about mixing it up at bit to see if anyone responds. Should I?
The benefits of a pretend relationship lie in being able to communicate (via email only) with another individual about things that are not actually occurring in one's life. It's the incredible chance to be completely dishonest with another individual who wants nothing more than a beautiful pretend connection with another soul. We don't need to share photos, real names, or accurate personal data. I will never ask you to call me, meet me, or send me your bank account routing number to help a deposed Nigerian dictator who will pay you back in millions. I just want to have a deep, intense relationship that has no actual roots in reality.
To be my pretend girlfriend, you must be exceedingly intelligent, articulate, and edgy. Your sense of humor must be phenomenal. I would never pretend date someone who was not incredibly funny. You should be quite beautiful with striking features though I will never really know if it's true. It's essential that your mastery of English includes proper spelling. I will pretend break-up with you in a heartbeat if you make lots of typos. That's a major turn off...
I am (in truth, just this once) a really bright, very good looking engineer, who is probably running a bit hypomanic in recent weeks. I am coming off of a very painful pretend-break up, so I might be pretend rebounding right now.
Potential pretend girlfriends please note: I will not respond to any replies that include photos of your penis. (I don't expect any but it seems like that's what everyone writes at the end of their online dating profiles.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: This is not my actual dating profile but I've been thinking about mixing it up at bit to see if anyone responds. Should I?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thoughts Inspired by a Friend
I wrote this blog on a different site a while back after talking to a friend I'll modify it and add to it for this blog. This friend really means a lot to me because when I was going through some of the hardest times of my life she was always there to talk. Anyways here are some thoughts that she inspired me to blog about:
First topic... nice guys finish last. Just to put it in context, I consider myself a nice guy. I do not think that nice guys finish last though. There are a lot of women out there that miss out on opportunites because they over look the nice guy but really it is their loss and the nice guy deserves better. He deserves a women who is looking for a nice guy and who can truely appreciate him for who he really is. So... to the women who are looking primarily for an extremely hot man with nice abs or whatever or the guy that has a lot of money and you can overlook him acting like an asshole and/or being just plain fuckin' stupid... all I have to say is good luck with that.
Second topic... being single. Being single is not a bad thing although I'm positive I can not convince my grandmother of that. I started dating a girl regularly a few weeks before seeing my grandmother at Christmas just so that I could tell her I was seeing someone when she asked. Personally I think that its important to be comfortable and happy with one's self. I think its dangerous to rely on a significant other for happiness because there will be times in every relationship that things will be rocky and if you are depending on that person for happiness and they aren't providing it you are fucked. People that constantly go straight from one relationship to another scare me. I don't think its healthy at all. Yeah... if you read this Amy or Sarah or CK sorry... you scare me... but some guys are into that... just not me... good luck with that.
Third topic... past mistakes. Nobody is perfect and I have a lot more respect for the person that admits they have and will make mistakes then the person that is dishonest to everyone and pretends to be perfect. That is something I look for in my friends. In the words of Sick Puppies, "I don't mind where you come from as long as you come to me. I don't like illusions I can't see them clearly. I don't care, no I wouldn't dare to fix the twist in you. You've shown me eventually what you'll do. I don't mind. I don't care. As long as you're here." So to those who bullshit like that... good luck with that.
And now the music video for the referenced song...
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