Help, I need a translation...

I don't understand women. This was part of a response that I got on one of the online dating sites.

"Since I don't have a pic on here right now I can just kinda explain... I have very short, black (dyed) hair and blue eyes. I think my hair suits me well even though it sounds a little gothic, lol. I do have a few extra pounds but I love the way I look and I feel like confidence means more than the extra pounds. I dress myself accordingly so I have to say that I'm not a walking invitation, lol."

What does that tell YOU?

Zee's Dating Profile

After reading profile after profile on online dating sites about individuals seeking to find a relationship offering meaning, contentment, or an opportunity to be spanked by a dominant transgender nun, I have decided that all I really want right now is a pretend relationship.

The benefits of a pretend relationship lie in being able to communicate (via email only) with another individual about things that are not actually occurring in one's life. It's the incredible chance to be completely dishonest with another individual who wants nothing more than a beautiful pretend connection with another soul. We don't need to share photos, real names, or accurate personal data. I will never ask you to call me, meet me, or send me your bank account routing number to help a deposed Nigerian dictator who will pay you back in millions. I just want to have a deep, intense relationship that has no actual roots in reality.

To be my pretend girlfriend, you must be exceedingly intelligent, articulate, and edgy. Your sense of humor must be phenomenal. I would never pretend date someone who was not incredibly funny. You should be quite beautiful with striking features though I will never really know if it's true. It's essential that your mastery of English includes proper spelling. I will pretend break-up with you in a heartbeat if you make lots of typos. That's a major turn off...

I am (in truth, just this once) a really bright, very good looking engineer, who is probably running a bit hypomanic in recent weeks. I am coming off of a very painful pretend-break up, so I might be pretend rebounding right now.

Potential pretend girlfriends please note: I will not respond to any replies that include photos of your penis. (I don't expect any but it seems like that's what everyone writes at the end of their online dating profiles.)

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Note: This is not my actual dating profile but I've been thinking about mixing it up at bit to see if anyone responds. Should I?

Story Time with Zee 02/25/09 - A Dumbass named January

About three years ago I had to do forty hours of court ordered community service. I did my community service at a Bingo Hall which was actually a very good experience for me. While doing my community service I got to know a number of other people that were doing community service including Scott. Scott was not a very bright kid but it seemed to me that his heart was in the right place. It was clear that he was struggling to get on his feet. He slept on the porch of an aunt of his girlfriend and was not working. At the time I lived in a four bedroom house by myself so I offered to let him live with me.

I don't remember the name of Scott's girlfriend but I'll call her Jane. Scott and Jane had a six month old son who was taken away from them when he was a month old because of their drug addictions. At this point in my story Scott had been clean for five months and reported regularly for drug tests. He really wanted to clean his life up so that he could get custody of his son who was staying with Jane's father and step-mother. Jane however was not making very good decisions.

I awoke at about 1 am to knocking on my bedroom door hearing Scott say in a shaky voice, "Zee, I need you. Please. Something is wrong." When I came out of my bedroom Scott explained to me that he just got off the phone with Jane and he was sure that she was at her father's house with another guy. It hadn't been that long after I found out my ex was cheating on me and I really felt for Scott. Jane's father lived about 40 minutes away and I offered to drive him there thinking it would provide good time to talk him down. Jane's father lives in an area that is mostly apple orchards with houses few and far between. When I parked Scott ran in and I just waited in the car. Jane came out and gave me a hug and asked me to come in. It was clear that she was very drunk. She really didn't have much clothes on and as I walked in I noticed her clothing and a guy's clothing scattered around the living room. That is when she introduced me to the other guy there who called himself July. I'm sure that his real name is Julio but I only referred to him as January. January was in his mid-twenties about 5'-6" and appeared to be athletic.

Jane had some story about how January was just a friend and she was happy that Scott and I were there but it couldn't have been more shaddy. I am certain that January was providing the liquor that was getting Jane, who was 19 years old, drunk yet it didn't appear that he was drinking at all. January called one of his buddies to "get a ride home." I know enough Spanish to know that was not what he was saying on the phone to his buddy. He was laughing to his buddy about how he got caught and how there were two guys who came and he was out numbered. I'm thinking, "Fuck. I talked Scott down enough on the way here that he didn't immediately throw down. I really don't want this to get out of control." After January got off the phone he said his buddy couldn't pick him up and wanted to know if he could get a ride to his house. Jane said that she wanted to go back with Scott and I and I agreed to drop January off at his house on the way.

When I got to January's house he got out and went inside. Jane said that her coat was inside and she followed him in to get it. Scott and I sat in the car. Five minutes later we were still sitting and I was trying to talk Scott down. After ten minutes it had seemed like hours and Scott got out and knocked on the door. No one answered so he kicked the door in, went in, and came out with Jane screaming at him for kicking the door in. I got out of the car at about the same time that January came out of his house with another guy who I assume must have been February. There was some construction going on at the house and January took off his shirt then grabbed a brick. February took off his shirt then grabbed a shovel. I'm still not sure why they took their shirts off but it was clear what they had in mind for the brick and the shovel.

Jane jumped between Scott and January who were both ready to throw down and begged them not to fight. There was no one between February and me. I told February in both English and in Spanish that it wasn't my fight but it seemed that he didn't care. At that point I stopped trying to talk my way out of the fight and started thinking about fighting. He had a shovel and I knew that it would hurt like hell to get hit with a shovel and I had no intentions of letting that happen. I figured the best way to prevent a spade on the side of my face was to get in close so that there was no way that he could swing the shovel. I'd move fast and tackle him and if he swung the shovel as I approached I'd slide tackle him to avoid the shovel and to get him to the ground. He was about 15 feet away and I was going to make the first move to get an advantage since January and February's intentions were clear. I took two quick steps before February realized I was coming and I was watching close what he would do as he realized I was coming. I anticipated the shovel being swung but I was wrong. February was backing up quickly so I stopped. This time when I said its not my fight he responded with, "si."

I felt very empowered at this point. I no longer viewed February as a threat. I walked over to my car and opened the passenger door. I grabbed Scott and told him to get the fuck in my car and to my surprise he did. January and February were yelling at me to get the fuck in and get the fuck out of there as well. Jane early told me that she wanted to go with Scott and I was not going to leave her with January and February if she wanted to leave. When Scott was in the car she started yelling to get the fuck out too though. I stood behind my car and asked Jane to come over and talk to me. She again told me to get the fuck out of there. I said I would after she talked to me. She agreed to talk to me if I gave her my cigarettes so I did. I looked Jane in the eyes and said, "If you want to stay here that is your choice but if you want to leave here I will not leave without you." Again she told me to get the fuck out of there so I got in my car and left.

Black History Month

Story Time with Zee 02/20/09

There was a tie on the poll for the topic of this story time between "Stalking Shakira in the Dominican" and "A dumbass named January." This story time will be about stalking Shakira and I will do another one later about the dumbass named January.

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Stalking Shakira in the Dominican Republic
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The year was 2007, it was less than a year after Shakira had won her second ‘’Grammy Award’’ in the category of ‘’Best Latin Rock/Alternative Album’’ (‘’Fijación Oral Vol. 1’’). Honestly the only knowledge that I had about Shakira was that I liked to watch her dance. I took a week long vacation because I needed a vacation, I chose the Dominican Republic because I knew a beautiful woman, Audrey, there that was willing to show me around. Audrey was a legal US resident in Grand Rapids, my home town, but she lived primarily in the Dominican Republic where she was in medical school. Really the only time that I stayed in my hotel was when I was sleeping and the majority of the time I was out and about with locals. One of the days I took a day trip from San Pedro (the town I stayed in) down the coast with Audrey and another girl. I don't remember what the name of the place we went to was but we saw where Sammy Sosa was married and some extremely old architecture (pictures in the video below.) The marjority of areas we saw on our drive there would be considered slums by American standards but once I saw huge houses in a gated community. I asked the girls about it and they said that famous people like Sammy Sosa and Shakira have houses there. I said I wanted to drive through but they said its impossible due to the gates and armed guards but they wish they could see in there as well. In an attempt to impress the girls on the way back I convinced them to try to get in. We drove up to the gaurd, he spoke, Audrey translated, "He wants to know why we are here." I told her to tell him we were visiting a friend... tell him we are visiting Andrew Jackson and I pulled a twenty dollar bill out of my pocket. Keep in mind that twenty dollars is a lot of money there. He basically told us to fuck off. So we started to drive around the gated community to see what we could see from the outside when we came to a side gate with another gaurd. This gaurd was more then happy to let us in to visit our friend Andrew Jackson. We drove around and looked at the mansions without seeing anyone famous so we parked at the central part of the gated community where there were shops and where all of the boats were docked. We walked through all the shops without seeing Shakira and even went into a few of the resturants none of which I wanted to pay the high prices to eat at. I didn't want to take pictures with my disposable camera when I was there because I was sure that would make me stand out and result in us being kicked out. Audrey found what she was sure was Shakira's boat. I have no idea why she thought it was Shakira's boat but I took a picture of her with it. In the YouTube video below you can see the picture about 38 seconds into the video.

Zee's Rap Battle Blog

You are garbage we got lie detectors, woman we all know you are fake,

because you have more bull shit than girls at a concert for Justin Timberlake,

Your whack comments, shit your whole page sounds like a chorus,

because you repeat others ideas, questioning me like a lost tourist,

Bitch you are boring to me, lets state the facts, you overuse the dictionary,

to post your blogs, but you seem to have forgot the use of a cemetery.

I bury the lies, along with your cries because people this is a lyrical avalanche.

So why are you crossing my path? You over do shit like using a laser to kill ants,

Lets be honest, you should pay homage, so people wheres the money,

You suppose to be a Christian, more like a clown, cuz you are funny.

Note: This blog is for fun and no specific attack is intended. I would appreciate comments to be in the form of a rap.

Really?

This reminded me of some of The Lion's posts. I think The Lion should start a regular post entitled "Really? With the Lion." I mean really.

Story Time with Zee 02/15/09

There is a cabin in the wilderness of Onterio, Canada that is owned by a family that is friends with my family. In order to get to the cabin from my home town it required a 14 hour drive to get to a little bait and tackle shop that had a dock on a lake. From the small dock its just over an hour boat ride to get to the cabin. Its not a long distance boat ride but you go from lake to lake on connecting creeks and you have to go slow in order to avoid shallow spots and rocks. The cabin is located on an island in one of the inter-connected lakes. It is completely disconnected from the rest of the word. No cell phone signal, no electricity, no television, nothing. There is a generator that is used for lights and the refrigerator as well as propane that is used for heat and cooking.

I've been there a number of times and had a lot of great experiences. I doubt that I will ever forget the last time that I was there which was when I was fourteen years old. I went up there with my father and we brought our two canoes and everything we needed to go canoe backpacking. We spent the first night in the cabin and the next day my father, my friend Christian, his father, and I checked our packs and loaded everything into the motor boat. Christian's mother went with us as we towed the two canoes an hour away (by motor boat). We were dropped off at a trail that lead to another lake a quarter of a mile down. It takes two trips to get all the gear to the other lake. The first trip involves carrying all the supplies and the second trip taking the canoes. We fished for hours hoping to catch lunch but didn't have any luck. The next portage was very short so we carried the canoes with the gear in them the short distance. We paddled slowly through the next long narrow lake enjoying the heat of the summer and fish a little as we went along.

There was one more portage for that day which lead to the lake that we'd be camping on that night and the portage was about a mile and a half long. Like the first portage we first carried all our gear to the other lake then went back for the canoes. My father and I were a lot more experienced then Christian and his father. We had our canoe over half way there by the time Christian and his father passed us going back the other way to get their canoe. After we dropped off our canoe we started heading back to help with the last canoe. Part way back I noticed bear droppings that were fairly fresh. There are a lot of bears in that area and I had backpacked many places with bears at that time. I pointed it out to my father and he suggested that I go back and wait with the packs to keep our food safe.

There was one section of the path right before where our gear was that had thick brush on both sides that you had to push your way through. These paths were not used very often but I'd already gone through it four times and I thought nothing of it as I pushed my way through it a fifth time. I lifted my right foot as I stepped forward and experienced a sharp pain in my foot. It felt like a stick had poked me through my shoe. It was dark in that section of the path but as I left the thick brush I could see my foot and I could see the blood gushing out of a hole in my shoe with every step. I went straight to the pack with the fist aid kit. I took a deep breath then removed my shoe only to reveal a blood soaked sock. It was hard to tell how bad the wound was because it was bleeding a lot so I just wrapped my foot with gauze. My family all know how to whistle in a particular way that indicates to each other that we need help and my father recognized it right away when he heard me. He assumed that I saw a bear and didn't want to be by myself so he sent Christian ahead.

When Christian went through the portion of the path with thick brush he discovered a fillet knife on the path. He came running up holding the knife, "Zee check out what I found! It has blood on it and everything!" I didn't find it nearly as exciting as Christian had. When my father came he properly dressed my foot and found that I had two cuts. A wider cut on the top where the knife had gone in and a narrow cut on the bottom where the knife had come out the other side. I was in so much pain that I couldn't put any weight on my foot and my father was worried. We had just finished the longest portage of our trip and we had to do it all over in reverse. This time not only could I not help with the portage but I had to be helped along as well.

After the long portage the sun was starting to get low. There was a short portage from that lake that lead to the main lake where the cabin was located. It would only be a few hours till dark. My father and Christians father took one canoe and left Christian and I with the other canoe and all of the supplies. That would be the fastest way to get back to the cabin to get the motor boat. Its amazing how quiet it is in the woods and how you hear every acorn fall from a tree and every step a squirrel takes. I find it equally amazing how the minds of two fourteen year olds turn each step of a squirrel and each fallen acorn into sounds from a bear. At fourteen I'd encountered a number of bears in the wild and I knew deep down beers were more afraid of me then I was of them. The sun went down and we sat in the dark with only the light from the moon and the stars when there were openings in the clouds. I never once considered the possibility that my father wasn't coming back that night. I never considered starting a fire or setting up the tent because in my mind it would be a matter of minutes before he returned.

My father canoed the last 10 or 15 minutes of his trip to the cabin in darkness. The ride back to where Christian and I were located was slow as well and not a short ride. We had been sitting in the darkness for around two hours, well I had been sitting, Christian had been collecting rocks and sticks to fight off bears. By the time we all got back to the cabin everyone was exhausted and the adults discussed how to get me some place for medical attention. I convinced them that I could wait till morning and I think everyone was happy to get some sleep.

From the bait and tackle shop it was 2 hours to the town on Timmins, which was the closest place for medical attention. When we got to Timmins I wasn't in much pain so we decided to get to the United States and go to a medical center there. We got to the city of Sault Ste Marie and crossed over to the United States and I was doing alright so we continued home so that I could see the family doctor. I never ended up seeing the family doctor. I still have scars on the top and bottom of my foot but the blade went through clean and apparently didn't do any major damage.

Prepare for Valentines Day

A lot of my friends come to me for relationship advice. Why they go to their only single friend who is divorced for relationship advice is beyond me. The most recent advice that I gave my best friend was "Get professional help." I am very happy that he and his fiancee are regularly seeing a professional Christian counselor and its working for them. My advice for preparing for Valentines Day is the same, seek professional help. The following are helpful hints from some professionals.

How to Decorate the Temple of God

The first tattoo that I got is a heart over my heart with a banner with my kid's names on it because they are always on my heart.

My next tattoo is part of the Dutch National Emblem and it has dual meaning for me. Opa taught me a lot including Dutch history to teach me about my roots. This tattoo reminds me of Opa and of my Dutch history.

I am working on a tattoo sock that goes from just under my right knee down and covering the top of my foot. On my foot I have a Jesus Fish, Spirit Dove, and Father Heart. Part is an angel tattoo that is inspired by Revelation 12:7 "There was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back." For me it is a reminder of the constant existance of good and evil fighting in both this world and the spiritual world. It also includes an armored warrior based on Ephesians6:10-18. My latest ink is a burning bush but its not complete yet.

I have four YouTube videos of getting ink for my sock but I'll just link the latest one. If you are only interested in how the tattoos look you can see what is completed of the sock so far at the end of the video.

Leviticus 19:26-31 deals with pagan practices and God's prohibitions against adopting those practices. In verse 28, God is warning the Jewish people about a pagan practice at funerals, where pagans would mutilate/mark themselves to appease their false gods. The pagans hoped that by cutting themselves and marking images/symbols of idols on their bodies, that they would obtain favour in the afterlife from their false gods, both for themselves and for those who just died. I am not trying to pacify a pagan deity with any of my tattoos.

I will end with Galatians 6:17 (New International Version), "Finally, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus."

Darwin Day

It seems a post in honor of Darwin Day is the thing to do. The following is a video in honor of Darwin Day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

(sorry I had problems embedding it)

My Shit List

Opa first introduced me to the concept of a shit list when I was around eight years old. People on Opa's shit list were people that crossed him and/or that he had no respect for. My uncle, his only son, was on his shit list more often then anyone else and my cousins tell me that Opa was not only on my uncle's shit list but he was at the top of it. For them the shit list resulted in exchanging angry words, not speaking to eachother, and eventually disowning eachother which resulted in four of my cousins never really getting to know Opa who I have always looked up to more then anyone else.

I have a mental shit list. The best way to get onto my shit list is stupidity but thats not the only way. My ex-wife is often on my shit list. Currently she is on the shit list for not letting me talk to my kids in the last 11 days. I call daily and get the answering machine and tell my kids that I love them and ask them to call me back. I have no idea if they ever get to hear the messages. I do know that they love me with all their hearts and they enjoy talking to me on the phone. I have a cousin who is on my shit list. He and his family disowned me a couple of years ago, can I still refer to him as my cousin since I haven't disowned him? He used to be my best friend but he turned his back on me when I went to jail. He never talked to me to find out my side of what happened and instead he spread rumors about me and as a result I lost most of the friends I had at that time. A co-worker is on my shit list because everytime he talks to me I feel myself getting more stupid.

I mentioned the damage Opa's and my uncle's shit lists did in my family so you might be wonder why I keep a shit list. I have learned more from Opa then anyone else but a good portion of what I have learned is how not to act. I am like Opa in many ways but I am very different to Opa in many ways as well. I don't disown family members that are on my shit list. I don't go out of my way to make life difficult for people that are on my shit list. I forgive the people on my shit list on a daily basis and take them off. There is one word on Opa's grave stone (other then dates and his name) and it is "Forgiven." Perhaps this is a statement of faith and knowledge that he has been forgiven for his sins. Perhaps he its his last words to all the people that were on his shit list letting them know that they are forgiven. I'd like to think its a combination of both and I am not going to wait until I die to forgive anyone.

Thoughts Inspired by a Friend

I wrote this blog on a different site a while back after talking to a friend I'll modify it and add to it for this blog. This friend really means a lot to me because when I was going through some of the hardest times of my life she was always there to talk. Anyways here are some thoughts that she inspired me to blog about:

First topic... nice guys finish last. Just to put it in context, I consider myself a nice guy. I do not think that nice guys finish last though. There are a lot of women out there that miss out on opportunites because they over look the nice guy but really it is their loss and the nice guy deserves better. He deserves a women who is looking for a nice guy and who can truely appreciate him for who he really is. So... to the women who are looking primarily for an extremely hot man with nice abs or whatever or the guy that has a lot of money and you can overlook him acting like an asshole and/or being just plain fuckin' stupid... all I have to say is good luck with that.

Second topic... being single. Being single is not a bad thing although I'm positive I can not convince my grandmother of that. I started dating a girl regularly a few weeks before seeing my grandmother at Christmas just so that I could tell her I was seeing someone when she asked. Personally I think that its important to be comfortable and happy with one's self. I think its dangerous to rely on a significant other for happiness because there will be times in every relationship that things will be rocky and if you are depending on that person for happiness and they aren't providing it you are fucked. People that constantly go straight from one relationship to another scare me. I don't think its healthy at all. Yeah... if you read this Amy or Sarah or CK sorry... you scare me... but some guys are into that... just not me... good luck with that.

Third topic... past mistakes. Nobody is perfect and I have a lot more respect for the person that admits they have and will make mistakes then the person that is dishonest to everyone and pretends to be perfect. That is something I look for in my friends. In the words of Sick Puppies, "I don't mind where you come from as long as you come to me. I don't like illusions I can't see them clearly. I don't care, no I wouldn't dare to fix the twist in you. You've shown me eventually what you'll do. I don't mind. I don't care. As long as you're here." So to those who bullshit like that... good luck with that.

And now the music video for the referenced song...

Boneless Chicken Wings

Zeeism is like 25 cent cruelty free boneless chicken wings with fire sauce. Some find the heat too much almost offensive. You can dip them in a sauce of your choice which may add to the taste but really doesn't change the actual wing at all. It also goes good with beer.


Fuck.

My Response to another Blog

Fuck that.