After reading profile after profile on online dating sites about individuals seeking to find a relationship offering meaning, contentment, or an opportunity to be spanked by a dominant transgender nun, I have decided that all I really want right now is a pretend relationship.
The benefits of a pretend relationship lie in being able to communicate (via email only) with another individual about things that are not actually occurring in one's life. It's the incredible chance to be completely dishonest with another individual who wants nothing more than a beautiful pretend connection with another soul. We don't need to share photos, real names, or accurate personal data. I will never ask you to call me, meet me, or send me your bank account routing number to help a deposed Nigerian dictator who will pay you back in millions. I just want to have a deep, intense relationship that has no actual roots in reality.
To be my pretend girlfriend, you must be exceedingly intelligent, articulate, and edgy. Your sense of humor must be phenomenal. I would never pretend date someone who was not incredibly funny. You should be quite beautiful with striking features though I will never really know if it's true. It's essential that your mastery of English includes proper spelling. I will pretend break-up with you in a heartbeat if you make lots of typos. That's a major turn off...
I am (in truth, just this once) a really bright, very good looking engineer, who is probably running a bit hypomanic in recent weeks. I am coming off of a very painful pretend-break up, so I might be pretend rebounding right now.
Potential pretend girlfriends please note: I will not respond to any replies that include photos of your penis. (I don't expect any but it seems like that's what everyone writes at the end of their online dating profiles.)
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Note: This is not my actual dating profile but I've been thinking about mixing it up at bit to see if anyone responds. Should I?
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I just added:
ReplyDelete"Women please note: I will not respond to any replies that include photos of your penis. (I don't expect any but it seems like that's what everyone writes at the end of their online dating profiles.)"
To the end of my real dating profile. I don't give a shit I think its hilarious and it should weed out women without a sense of humor. Now if I can just find a way to keep stupid women from responding I'll be all set.
I think this is great. Shows a good sense of humor. I have never tried online dating, so I am not speaking from experience, just gut assumptions.
ReplyDelete